How To Play Chekov

Scene: A blank screen.

Titles (in yellow Helvetica and coloured): How to play Chekov

Scene: The black screen fades away leaving only the titles which slowly fade as the stage scene fades in. That stage is set up in a traditional proscieum arch. The backdrop is of blue sky. In front of this running backwards to create a false perspective is an arbour made from stuffed donkeys, their hooves out stretched, the stage floor is littered with small stuffed birds, robin, chaffinches etc. Entering from the rear of the stage and carrying a large fish is Ivan. He is naked except for the carp’s head codpiece he wears. With meaningful strides he walks to the centre of the stage. Once there he starts smashing the fish against the floor with fury. This continues throughout the piece as the fish is reduced to pulp.

Ivan: (Screaming) Fish, Fish I want some fish!

Scene: From stage left a woman in heavy black Victorian costume enters riding a child’s tricycle. She also wears a false beard. She rides up to Ivan.

Anna (to Ivan): Have you seen my seagull.

Scene: Ivan ignores her and continues pulping his fish. Anna lifts up her skirts to Ivan.

Anna: There it is.

Scene: From beneath the floor raises the giant papier mache head of Lord Kitchener. It is so large that it blots out the rest of the scene.

Lord Kitchener: I haven’t got my Liquorice stick!

Scene: Screen goes blank

Titles: Fin

A Good Time to Learn Welsh

Scene: A cheap and tawdry looking sex dungeon, littered amongst the DEVICES, are a large number of cleaning implements, including very prominently a extra large can of Mr. Sheen. A woman in a tatty cat-suit enters followed by a well groomed man in a suit. He wears a tie which is tied with a ridiculously wide knot. They walk to a table in the middle of the set from which dangles manacles, next to this table is a full length mirror.

Man: It’s my first time you know…

Woman (she has a strong Mummerset accent): Really my lover?

Man: Well it’s my first time here. I used to go to Madame Spanks down in Mayfair.

Woman: Oh Aye.

Man: They’ve changed hands, and it’s not the same.

Woman: Is that since she broke her arm? She done that flagellating a Scout Master.

Man: No. It’s got a new owner. The Spanks lost some of its spunk, if you get my drift.

Woman: Oh Aye. Well then my lover, seeing as you’re here let’s see if Mistress Stamp can sort you right out?

Man: (Mouths to the audience) Mistress Stamp?

Woman: Coz at the end of this session I’ll have you licked.

Man: (excitedly) Oooh!

Woman: (Staring at the man with a contemptuous look, she places her hands on her hips and with thinly concealed ennui). Well your Mistress is waiting, get and undressed and jump on the table. Don’t for get it’s 200 quid an hour.

Man: (Undressing in front of the mirror. Smugly;) Don’t worry I can afford it. (Throughout the next speech he gazes at himself in the mirror adoringly, occasionally kissing his muscles). If you don’t mind me asking, how did you get into this game?

Woman: It’s the old recession that done for me. Well I used to work in the civil service. I had a nice little savings account in Northern Rock, and quite a bit squirreled away in shares and that. Then Northern Rock crashes. The companies I had me shares in goes bankrupt, I gets made redundant, my house got repossessed so I ends up here. I also do a bit of cleaning. Sometimes I lie awake at night just gently hugging myself. I feel so dirty.

The Man clad in only a pair of posh Boxer shorts, he jumps onto the table. The woman grabs the Mr. Sheen away quickly, and starts to Manacle him down.

Man; Oh I managed to avoid all that. I’m a banker. Got quite a good bonus this year too! It’s why I can easily afford two hours of this light kinkiness. (He grins idiotically)

Woman: (grinning maliciously) Now my lover, let me tell you the rules, if the punishment gets too much, all you have to do say is the safe word.

The woman turns her back to get something from the table.

Man: What’s the safe word for tonight then?

Woman: (she is holding something behind her back) Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

Man: Eh!

In a flash the woman has gagged the man. She picks up the can of Mr. Sheen and sprays a bit. She has a manic looking on her face. We know where that can is going!

Man: (Struggling and trying to say) Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch

Fade.