How To Play Chekov

Scene: A blank screen.

Titles (in yellow Helvetica and coloured): How to play Chekov

Scene: The black screen fades away leaving only the titles which slowly fade as the stage scene fades in. That stage is set up in a traditional proscieum arch. The backdrop is of blue sky. In front of this running backwards to create a false perspective is an arbour made from stuffed donkeys, their hooves out stretched, the stage floor is littered with small stuffed birds, robin, chaffinches etc. Entering from the rear of the stage and carrying a large fish is Ivan. He is naked except for the carp’s head codpiece he wears. With meaningful strides he walks to the centre of the stage. Once there he starts smashing the fish against the floor with fury. This continues throughout the piece as the fish is reduced to pulp.

Ivan: (Screaming) Fish, Fish I want some fish!

Scene: From stage left a woman in heavy black Victorian costume enters riding a child’s tricycle. She also wears a false beard. She rides up to Ivan.

Anna (to Ivan): Have you seen my seagull.

Scene: Ivan ignores her and continues pulping his fish. Anna lifts up her skirts to Ivan.

Anna: There it is.

Scene: From beneath the floor raises the giant papier mache head of Lord Kitchener. It is so large that it blots out the rest of the scene.

Lord Kitchener: I haven’t got my Liquorice stick!

Scene: Screen goes blank

Titles: Fin